


spaces in between

by benitato



Series: killugon? killugon. [4]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst/Comfort, Everything is better with snow and moonlight, Fluff, M/M, Oneshot, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 09:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12932127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benitato/pseuds/benitato
Summary: "And I would choose to be with you, as if the choice were mine to makeBut you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break."





	spaces in between

**Author's Note:**

> I imagine this would take place post Chimera Ant arc, not long after Gon finds his father.
> 
>  
> 
> (Edited this a bit since posting.)

_"And I would choose to be with you, as if the choice were mine to make_

  
_But you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break."_

\- Marianas Trench

 

~~~

Killua didn't want to go, but Gon insisted, so they did - the entirety of their friendship summarized in a single phrase.

" _Yo_ , isn't this cool? Our first Hunter Christmas Gala!" Said Leorio, pushing his sunglasses up and practically bouncing on the leather-covered seat of the limousine.

"Be still, or you'll ruin your suit." Reprimanded Kurapika quite mildly while flipping through the Entertainment section of the newspaper. He eyed Killua and Gon warily; the two had been uncharacteristically quiet ever since they'd gotten in the vehicle. "You kids seem unpretentious for a change."

A torrent of obscenities poured out from Killua's mouth, but Kurapika noticed that even then the pale boy's insults were half-hearted.

"... not kids... discriminative..." Killua continued to mutter.

Kurapika merely snorted, and his gaze shifted to the other adolescent. The island boy who took the Hunter exam at twelve years of age could barely be glimpsed in this now leaner, quieter version of Gon Freecss. After finding Ging, his father, Gon seemed... subdued. Still the same, but a little blurrier around the edges. He sat leaning against the blacked-out window, softly laughing as he watched Killua finish his rant. A painful sadness tugged on the corner of his mouth even as he smiled.

 _What had happened to these two?_ Kurapika shook his head and opened his papers once more. A sudden lurch made them still.

 

"I think we've arrived." Leorio said helpfully.

 

~~~

 

The Hunter Convention Hall was too much, Killua thought. Too gauzy and too gold and too decorated. And as the sun kissed the horizon with dying violets and washed directly over the enormous building with its last light, it was too _sad_.

Killua felt a shoulder brush his and turned to insult the owner. Instead, he watched the dusk settle in Gon's equally fiery eyes. For the first time since Killua could remember, there was a hint of childlike wonder and awe in his friend's gaze, and it left Killua breathless.

 

Too _beautiful_.

 

But Gon wasn't looking at Killua; he was staring at the way the colors of the sky clashed in a violent dance of dominance. Naturally, the dark prevailed, and now Killua could appreciate just a bit the luminous glow that came from the hall.

The building's interior was the physical representation of the word _luxurious_ ; marble columns stretched all the way up to the painted dome ceiling, candlelight on linen-covered tables lent a warm glow, soft swells of classical music came from nowhere Killua could determine.

Equally elegant people floated by in dresses and sharp suits, and Killua saw quite a few of their old associates; Morel clapping a stiff Knov on the back as he told a humorous anecdote, a formally attired Knuckle who winked at them, Tsezgerra arguing with Bisky about the various uses of Nen, the latter having downed one too many glasses of champagne, the only alcoholic beverage provided at the event. Killua snickered at this and turned to Gon to point out the laughable scene, only to feel empty air beside him. Trying not to feel disappointed, Killua found a chair at an empty table, slumped down, and made mental observations of people who passed by.

 

_That one's weird, that one looks poofy, that one looks like Hisoka on drugs, wait that's actually Hisoka_

 

Turns out, making fun of people alone wasn't as good as it was when he and Gon did it together. Slowly, his judging turned into a game of Finding Gon.

 

_That one's fat, that one's not Gon, that one has a suit like Gon, that one's hair is styled like Gon's, that one..._

 

 _Is Gon_ , Killua realized with a start. Gon, and his intense amber eyes contrasting with his bright, childish grin. Gon, full of sunlight and warmth and rivers in his bloodstreams. Gon, looking so good in a tailored black tuxedo that it made Killua's chest hurt. Gon, and his calloused hands holding somebody's waist. _Somebody else. Gon. Dancing._

 

Killua was not one for metaphors or any other silliness, but he swore he felt something inside him break open, and all the ugly flew out.

 

 _Somebody else_ looked lovely, Killua grudgingly admitted. He didn't recognize her; must be from a new batch of Hunters. Brown hair twisted into a knot at the nape of her neck, slim white arms encircled Gon's neck, small frame fitted in a blue dress, and Killua saw that dainty slippers adorned her flying feet as Gon lifted her into the air.

 

He was hurting, and that didn't make sense, because Killua Zoldyck did _not_ hurt.

 

 _Electric shocks over this any day_ , Killua thought as he blindly ran-walked to the entrance.

He flung the double doors open and stood on the steps, panting. Why he was out of breath, he wasn't sure; it wasn't even that far. Killua let the sharp night air cool his head, ruddying his neck and face. He loosened his tie and sat on the shockingly cold stone steps that led up the building. A light frosting of snow already dusted everything; Killua never failed to marvel at how fast the weather changed here. He watched the snow fall for a while, how it prettified the bare trees and sugarcoated the gray cement. He counted each flake in his mind:

 

_not Gon, not Gon, not Gon_

 

 _I could stay here unbothered for the rest of the night_ , Killua thought.

 

The double doors opened once more, letting out a stream of light and soft music.

 

"Killua, is that you?" A voice floated from behind.

 

 _Or not_.

 

~~~

 

Killua didn't say anything as Gon lumbered down the steps to sit beside him. Neither did Gon, for that matter. They let the faint, orchestrated sound from inside fill the silence.

 

"Hi." Gon finally offered.

 

Killua closed his eyes and huffed a smile. "Hi."

 

"You're missing out." Gon gestured behind them, to the double doors.

 

"S'not missing out if I don't like it." Killua replied.

 

"You were cackling at drunk Bisky."

 

_So he did notice._

 

"Well, that was probably the most entertainment I've had all night."

 

"The food, then?" Gon asked.

 

"They didn't have chocolate. And I think Knuckle's demolished the buffet table."

 

"The music?"

 

"Chopin isn't my type."

 

Gon hummed as he tried to think of more potential things to enjoy. Killua took this as an excuse to gaze at his friend, marveling a little at his strange beauty under the moonlight.

They were sitting so close their shoulders touched. A crinkle appeared between Gon's eyes, as it did whenever the idiot was thinking hard. He was starting to blend in with the surroundings, slowly being powdered with snow dust. The cold didn't seem to bother to him, though, as he let the white flakes settle on the stark black of his suit.

 

" _Ne_ , what about the dancing?" Gon suggested.

Images of the birdlike girl with dainty slippers flashed through Killua's mind.

"Don't care much for it. _You_ looked like you did, though." He grumbled, trying to sound indifferent but failing.

"It's a dance; people are supposed to dance. With each other, preferably." Gon shot back.

"Not me." Killua snorted.

 

Gon picked up on the hostility, and instead of backing down, a slow fire began to burn behind his eyes. Killua knew that look; knew it because it was the same expression he sometimes saw in the mirror.

It was the look Gon got whenever he took on a challenge.

A tan hand pulled on the sleeve of his jacket, and before he knew it, Killua was on his feet.

"What the hell?!" Killua snapped, surprised but never stumbling. They stood even closer than they were sitting before, practically nose to nose. Although Killua knew he himself was a good 4 centimeters taller, Gon's presence made him seem bigger and larger and more alive.

 

"You probably don't care for dancing because you haven't danced _properly_."

 

"And your point is?"

 

In lieu of a reply, Gon pulled Killua closer.

 

"Dance with me."

 

 _That wasn't a request_ , Killua thought.

 

But God forbid anyone knew how quickly Killua complied by taking Gon's hand in his and laying his fingers on the other's shoulder. Gon's other hand found its place on Killua's side.

 

_Like hell I'm going to let you lead._

 

With nothing to lose, Killua spun the both of them to Chopin's Nocturne no. 20 in C sharp minor, the sweet tinkling of ivory keys intertwining with the high, soaring notes of strings.

Fortunately, the exterior of the building was just as luxurious as the inside; each "step" that led up to the doors measured about two feet wide, so it was more of a space. _Space layered on space. With spaces in between_. Killua snorted.

"Hm?" Gon shot him a questioning look in the midst of swaying. Somehow, in between the dancing, both Killua's hands found their way to rest lightly behind Gon's neck. 

 

Killua shook his head. "Was thinking."

 

"Of what?"

 

"Layers. Spaces. Something."

 

"You're weird."

 

"You're an idiot." Killua said just as fondly.

 

Gon laughed at this; more of a soft exhale on the base of Killua's neck. It sent a pleasant shiver down the assassin's spine.

 

"Sometimes you're so far away, Killua."

 

Barely a whisper, but the words rang in Killua's ears.

 

 _Two years of coldness and almost indifference, and_ he _gets to say that line?_

 

Killua clenched his hands into fists and pushed Gon slightly away. Their feet stopped moving in sync.

 

"I'm not the one who's far away."

Breathed Killua raggedly, before he even knew what he was saying. He knew he probably sounded a bit deranged —or even worse, a terrible cliche — but to hell with that for now, he thought. 

Gon didn't answer, but his eyes did: _what do you mean?_

 

Killua hesitated for a moment, not knowing the right words to say to the boy in front of him. 

 

"I- ever since you met your dad, it's like you lost purpose. You went somewhere I couldn't follow. You just stopped wanting, stopped _being_."

 

Killua sat down again on the steps, trying to clear his head. He desperately tried to formulate coherent sentences in his mind, but that was nearly impossible given the way his friend was looking at him. Gon followed suit, still not saying a word.

The music segued into something more modern; perhaps a Hisaishi piece, Killua thought.

 

"You hardly ever laugh anymore. Sometimes I see you, though; you smile when you think no one's looking."

 

"Killua." Gon finally cut in softly. Killua continued to ramble.

 

"You stopped seeing. You don't see anything anymore."

 

"Killua..."

 

"Not even Leorio or Kurapika or me - not us." Killua added softly, as an afterthought.

 

A hand suddenly clenched around the front of Killua's shirt and wrenched him forward. Tawny eyes locked onto blues, silver hair plastered onto where Killua's forehead met Gon's.

 

" _Killua_." Gon breathed. The other boy stopped talking.

 

"I- I'm not smart in that way.”

 

”Well, that’s new.” Killua couldn’t resist.

 

”Shuddup.” Gon remained steady, unfaltering.

 

“And I'm not good with words. But I can _see_."

 

Gon nudged his forehead against Killua's.

 

"And I see you."

 

His lips brushed against Killua's with every spoken word. Killua is sure this would be the death of him. 

 

 _"I see you_."

 

Gon closed the remaining distance between their mouths, and Killua fell headfirst into tawny eyes.

 

Killua thought of all the things that had passed through Gon's lips - blood and declarations of war. But now they were soft and tugging on Killua's mouth, as if coaxing out all the heartache he'd caused.

 

Killua fell and fell and fell with the music, head spinning to Hisaishi's circus-heart masterpiece. He clutched at Gon's lapels, as much as to stay close as to keep them both from falling.

 

Gon kissed like a fervent devouring.

 

It was far from the best kiss the world had ever witnessed — all clashing teeth and noses bumping into each other. But Killua didn’t — _wouldn’t_ — notice. 

 

Gon’s hand still held the front of Killua’s shirt tightly, and Killua noticed the way he kept pressing forward — searching, reaching, wanting to meet more of the other even though there was no space left for him to. This unconscious movement broke Killua’s heart a little. 

 

After a while, someone (Killua wasn't sure which of them) pulled back slightly. Hearts racing and breaths heavy, they let the enormity of what just happened sink in.

Gon exhaled a laugh, and Killua could again feel their lips brushing deliciously against each other. He tightened his grip on Gon's jacket.

 

"Don't ever let go, _baka_." Killua growled.

 

"Never." Gon replied, meaning it figuratively and literally.

 

Gon fidgeted with Killua's loosened tie absentmindedly, looking as if he were burning brain cells.

 

" _Ne_ , I know I haven't been, uh, alright - but give me time, and I will be. You'll wait for me, right? You'll help me, and stay?" Gon asked anxiously, sincerity ringing in his voice.

 

Killua's heart leapt in his mouth. He managed a grin, all half-lidded eyes and curved lips.

 

"Isn't that my job? Cleaning up after you?" Killua said gently, without a hint of reproach. He kicked the tip of Gon's shoe lightly. "I'm practically obliged to, anyway. Heaven knows the world needs a little less stupid."

 

"I'll keep on doing stupid things if it means that you'll always be there to fix them." Gon tugged on the cuff of Killua's jacket.

 

" _Baka_." Killua murmured fondly.

 

A great, loud, bell-like chiming rang from inside the hall and resonated deep in their bones. Whoops and hollers and season's greetings were exchanged, followed by the sound of something smashing.

The two Hunters outside shared a look and snickered. Killua stood up, brushed off the snow piling on his shoulders, and held out a hand to Gon, who took it readily and jumped to his feet.

 

Before losing his nerve, Killua squeezed Gon's hand tightly once before attempting to letting go. "Merry Christmas," he said quietly.

Fingers just barely interlaced, almost not touching, Gon suddenly grabbed Killua's hand and pressed the palm flat against his chest.

 

Killua blinked, surprised, and his eyes softened as they landed on Gon. The action was so innocent and simple it made Killua shut his eyes to revel in the sensation. Gon was terribly warm, even through all the layers of fabric, and the heat spread from Killua's fingers down to his toes.

 

"Merry Christmas, Killua." Gon said softly, almost huskily.

 

Killua wanted so badly to close the spaces in between them, to fold his body into Gon until he lost every bit of himself, to be enveloped in warmth and light and everything good in this world. He hummed contentedly.

 

"What are you thinking?" Gon laughed, moving closer.

 

"Layers. Spaces. _Something_." Killua half-smiled.

 

"I'd like to do _something_." Gon whispered, forehead pressing against Killua's.

 

Killua started to attest his agreement but was cut off by a pair of impossibly soft lips.

 

Not that he minded.

Not one bit.

  
The wind blew on and the snow fell, as the music spiraled into reality and something _lovely_. And the two souls standing outside on a doorstep on Christmas eve forgot how cold it was, at least, for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> Music mentioned: 
> 
> • Chopin’s Nocturne no. 20 in C sharp minor 
> 
> • Joe Hisaishi’s Merry Go Round Of Life
> 
> P.S : Yeah, Gon might’ve been a biiiiit OOC, but who tf cares these smol beans deserve a hepi ending i will fite u for it


End file.
